John McLaughlin says "If I flap my wings like this, I can fly!"

Labels: politics, random nonsense

It's icy and, therefore, cold outside. This is a nuisance. Haven't you figured this out for yourself?

Now, I finally know why Octobaby got rid of her extra limbs. That's way too much surface area to keep warm.

Labels: random nonsense

Have you ever been in a car with heated seats? They're quite handy when it gets cold outside. But if you're not expecting the seat warmer to be on, it's quite a different sensation, as you feel your ass slowly warm for reasons you can't explain. It's more of a "Did I just crap myself?" type of feeling.  

Labels: random nonsense, restrooms, toilet

Read about Paris Hilton: Activist.

Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.

Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton's was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network's Web site. Her comments were picked up by other Web sites and newspapers around the globe.

I guess this means no Paris-Elephant sex tape.  Worse, it means no Paris-Elephant love child.

Labels: celebrities, random nonsense

My notepad is full of ideas that seemed a lot better in the drunk of night than in the light of day. Instead of having a bunch of ideas staring at me, I thought I'd clear out some of those unused notes. Enjoy.

1. No blankets allowed on a bar's patio. I was on the Maloney's patio for my friend Geoff's birthday, and some clown went to his car to retrieve blankets. If you're cold, go inside.

2. Meridith Vieira is hot and doesn't get credit for it.



3. That waitress at Jose Peppers. I went to Jose Peppers with my brother Tom and his girlfriend awhile back. The waitress was training some new guy. She had this attitude of "I'm the waitress in charge of training new wait staff, blah blah blah" and came off like a snooty, know-it-all bitch. Karma caught up with her. She spilled water all over the table. Tom looked at the waiter-in-training and said "that's not what you're supposed to do."

4. Kansas liquor laws. I know I'll get inspired enough to do a full-on post someday, but here's what I got for now. Some places in Kansas still don't have liquor on Sundays, and you can't buy liquor at the grocery store. Bars can't have a happy hour. Somebody explain how these aren't the stupidest laws on the books.

5. What happened to the Inappropriate Mime? Way before YouTube, there was a site called burlybear.com. They had a video called "The Inappropriate Mime." It was funnier than pretty much 99% of the other stuff out there now. The site's gone now, and the video has disappeared off the face of the web. It featured a mime taking a dump in his hand and eating it, blowing his brains out and throwing them at onlookers, doing a double handjob from his knees, etc. It was brilliance. Now it's gone.

6. Where did they hide Micheal Mahoney? The unfortunate looking newsman has virtually disappeared from KMBC 9 News in Kansas City. I think it has something to do with their switch to high definition. You're a badass Mahoney, and that says a lot. You're ugly as sin, and you spell "Michael" incorrectly. You're making up a lot of ground somewhere. I think you should start going by Micheal "Cajones" Mahoney. P.S. Bring back the stache'



7. Pizza Shoppe is the only pizza place where you'll regret not getting a salad. It's the pink stuff.

8. Nick Nolte was chosen to lead the straight-to-video-on-demand revolution. This troubles me. He also reproduced last month without authorization.

9. There is way too much product placement in Talladega Nights. I know it's a film about NASCAR, but they milk that for every cent it's worth. This movie is also about 30 minutes too long.

10. The name brand TiVo machine has a much better fast-forward feature than the cable companies' version. You can sit back, fast-forward, and once you notice a scene, hit play. It will magically take you back to the perfect spot every time. You have to sit on the edge of your seat with the cable company DVR and squint at the screen and just hope you press play at the right time. TiVo just needs to hurry up and license that shit out to the cable companies.

Labels: bars, food, movies, random nonsense, restaurants, tv, ugly people

Have you heard about the baby with eight limbs?

Labels: random nonsense

I didn't stay up late, I didn't sleep in, and I ended up pissing away the only benefits of this whole time-change nonsense. When we lose an hour in the Fall, I know it's going to end up being one of those days when I need a 24-hour day. The time-change benefits me in one way: keeping my clock purchases in check. If I ever got the urge to go on a clock-buying spree, Daylight Saving Time would surely keep me grounded. No one wants to deal with setting all those clocks all the time.

Hey government, I have a suggestion for you, and I'm not even going to charge you for it. In the Spring, let's just set our clocks a half hour ahead. Then, we'll have a compromise between Standard and Daylight Saving Time and never have to mess with our clocks again. Why has no one elected me to office yet?

Labels: government bs, random nonsense

I'm so proud of Christopher Burke for his Attorney General nomination.

Labels: fun with photos, politics, random nonsense

I changed the header of this website today. I think it's fun. Especially since you can stare at the "Matt Stooks.com" part and it kinda messes with your head, thanks to it's quasi-three-dimensionality. You see that!? How the subhead totally plays off the header? I kick ass.

Labels: random nonsense

All this Goulet talk has me thinking about Lou Ferrigno.

Labels: random nonsense, sports

Goddammit, pork chop, you burnt my tongue!

Why you gotta smell so good to trick me into eating you before a proper blowing?

Labels: random nonsense

Labels: letters to the editor, random nonsense

There are a number of ways people come to mattstooks.com. Most visitors have the site bookmarked, some come over from my MySpace, Facebook or YouTube pages.

A few people come to the website through web search. Check out the breakdown of search strings that have brought people to the site this month.

Labels: internet, random nonsense

I've seen this "Dancer Test" a couple different places over the last week, and thought I'd share it with you in case you missed it.

You're supposed to look at the dancer spinning. Some people see her turning clockwise, and others see her turning counterclockwise. How you interpret her supposedly tells whether you're right-brained or left-brained.

I see her turning clockwise, naked and a little chilly/aroused.

Labels: brain games, random nonsense

Today is Blog Action Day, where bloggers unite to spread the word on the environment. This is my contribution.

If you believe extraterrestrial beings visit the Earth with any regularity, you bear more of the responsibility for keeping the planet clean. The Earth is your home. If you have people coming over to your house, you should try to clean things up. Therefore, if we have visitors from outer space, you really should clean up this mess.

The end.

Labels: environment, random nonsense

If you have some lead-infused Chinese toys lying around the house, I'm thinking we should all get together and have another "Lick and paint with Bob Ross" party. I've got some G.I. Joes in my parents' basement that will get me and at least five other people completely Schiavo-faced. First come, first served. Call dibs soon, or you're on your own. My schedule's pretty open this week. Let me know.

BTW, I made the queso last time around. Someone else needs to step up.

Labels: random nonsense

All the talk about Myanmar has me thinking about an old Seinfeld episode.

Most articles about the current situation in Myanmar also refer to the country as Burma. Seinfeld tackled this more than ten years ago in "The Foundation," originally airing on September 19th, 1996. If we haven't figured out what to call it since then, maybe it should've stayed Burma.

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.

J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.

Elaine: Burma?

J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him)

[The phone is not hung up.]

Elaine: Mr. Peterman?

[New scene.
Jerry's apartment.]

Jerry: Where?

Elaine: Burma.

Jerry: Isn't it Myanmar now?

Labels: random nonsense

I just got back from the bank.

It was the one time in years that I needed to talk face-to-face with a banking official. It was a dead end, as today is Christopher Columbus Day. Private banks close on Columbus Day for reasons the public can never know.

I'm thinking about joining the Columbus Day opposition movement. The main argument is that Columbus and his friends weren't very nice to Native Americans. I think I can buy into that hype, if it means denying a holiday to bankers and mailmen.

If a closed bank or post office is the only way you know when a holiday happens, it's not a holiday worth closing for.

Labels: government bs, random nonsense

You taste like cardboard. Your texture feels of sand. You're a worthless, filthy vegetable, and I hope some kind of disease wipes you off the face of the planet.

Sincerely,

Matt

Labels: produce, random nonsense

I always find it funny when a bunch of people get pissed and go after a business, intending harm.

The latest involves three businesses in Johnson County. A grand jury indicted them for promoting obscenity. Hollywood at Home for four DVDs, Spirit Halloween for obscene costumes, and Priscilla's for five sex toys and a videos.

Free advertising!

I wouldn't have heard of, or even noticed, the Lion's Den in Abilene if it weren't for all the stories of obscene products, watchdogs writing down customers' license plate numbers, or the giant "Every time you wank to porn, the baby Jesus cries" (paraphrased) billboard.

Labels: advertising, porn, random nonsense

Labels: random nonsense, sports

Labels: advertising, random nonsense

I've figured out what's wrong with technology. All the people who appreciate the laziness technology affords don't get off their asses to invent new stuff.

The only reason an automated Jetsons-like shower doesn't exist at this point is because all of us who think the process should be automated assume that some other lazy-ass will get the word out that this technology should exist.

In fact I heard that Joseph Barbera didn't die of natural causes at the age of 95, but from shock that the automated shower hadn't been invented yet.

Labels: random nonsense, tech

Don't mess with a cop who looks like he needs vacation.

Almost every time a cop shoots his gun or tases someone, he goes on "paid leave," a.k.a. vacation.

Obviously cops don't typically shoot or tase people just to get time off, but it makes you think.

Labels: police, random nonsense

I got burned last night by introducing myself to someone I'd met before.

Every once in awhile, I get the feeling I don't have the skills to succeed in society.

Labels: random nonsense

I was perusing my Facebook today when I stumbled upon this:

Labels: music, random nonsense

I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow morning for a little mini vacation from whatever it is I do.

My friend Kevin and I are visiting Tony, some jerk we know from high school. Factoid: Tony's nickname was Garden Hose in college.

Like any trip or major holiday, it looks like I'll have some kind of cold to battle.

Labels: random nonsense

Enjoy this video from a Britney Spears ally. Note: contains language not suitable for small children or a touchy workplace.

Labels: random nonsense, stooks scoop

This article's way too long to read, but I get the impression that it proves, once and for all, that endurance training makes you age quickly.

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: Endurance training is antithetical to anti-aging. So it amazes me when guys in their 40s and 50s who are training for a marathon or Ironman suggest that doing so will keep them young. It won’t. You may feel like a stud now with your shaved legs and your magic marker biceps tattoos, but endurance training speeds up the aging process almost as fast as watching TV, drinking sodas and eating potato chips. Actually, in some cases, it speeds it up even faster.

I didn't bother reading beyond this opening paragraph, or do any further research on my own, but there it is. On the Internet. Proof of what I've always hoped.

Fellow lazy asses: we're getting drunk, eating pizza, and smoking Marlboro Reds tonight.

Labels: health, random nonsense

On my return trip from Big Lake, Missouri, I had the honor of discovering an interesting restroom configuration.

As you know, most gas station restrooms are filthy, especially when located off the Interstate. While this restroom was clean and tidy, someone made the curious choice of putting a carpet square under the urinal.

Labels: random nonsense, restrooms

(1:33 podcast) Here's a flashback that helps make sense of it all.

Labels: podcasts, random nonsense

I've decided I'm sick of hearing people say "Internets" and "Interweb."

I love Colbert as much as the next guy, but this is getting worse than overquoting Napoleon Dynamite.

Originality, people! Bunch of pwned n00bs.

Labels: random nonsense, RIP, tech

In my daily perusal of Craig's List for marketing gigs, I found this (emphasis mine):

We are looking for two individuals who are hard working and need a little extra cash. The job is to dress up as a mascot and wave to children during author signing. We are in need of two mascots for this upcoming event. The event will be held at Sam's Club, 8300 West 135th Street, Overland Park, KS. Pay rate is $10.00 per hour. The schedule will be Friday, August 31, 2007 from 12 noon to 6pm. The mascots will be Thumbs Up Johnnie a thumb print and Banker Bill a $10 bill.

We will need a highly energetic person. Great for a college student. The person will be wearing a costume that consists of black tights, black long sleeved shirt, over that would be a large body hat, gloves and spats that will cover their own shoes. Everything for the costume is provided for them. They will not have to do any talking; however, will need to show a friendly non-threatening demeanor.

Let's break it down:

1. Hard work = Waving at children
2. Pay rate is $10/hr = Desperate for cash or really creepy?
3. Highly energetic = Waving at children takes lots of energy.
4. Non-threatening demeanor = Don't chase the children while wielding a chainsaw and dressed as a $10 bill. We learned our lesson last time.

Labels: craigs list, random nonsense

What if Michael Vick had sponsored bumfighting instead of dogfighting?



Do you think Dr. Phil would invite him on his show and then throw him off without interviewing him? Or do you think he would've milked his moustache the interview a bit longer?

Labels: random nonsense, sports, what if

Okay, listen up Internet.

If I have to postpone another "Castro is Dead!" celebration party, you don't get a chance to hit the piñata.

Labels: random nonsense

"The timing to bring the franchise back is perfect, and NBC is the ideal home." - Gladiators producer douche.

Look for it, minus Nitro, midseason. Maybe they could get him as an analyst. You can catch reruns on ESPN Classic. Here's Nitro talking about the event the Gladiators hated the most. One hint: it's not acting.

Labels: random nonsense, tv

Look at me. What a piece of filth.

Labels: random nonsense

I saw a guy at Target who had a beard and a fanny pack, a combination never witnessed before.

Here's where a bearded fanny pack falls in the echelon of likeliness to wear a fanny pack:

1. Overweight woman at a theme park
2. Thin man with several kids at a theme park
...
167. Guy with a beard
168. Hugh Downs

Labels: random nonsense

Labels: random nonsense, tv

What happens when six perpetually flaccid, yet musically inclined, buddies all discover Viagra at the same time?

Take a look.

Labels: advertising, random nonsense

Why do I always think "Judge Dredd" before I realize I mean to be thinking "Demolition Man"?

Even though Demolition Man showed how easy it was to defeat a retinal scan 14 years ago, companies keep developing the technology.


Snipes was even frozen before the technology was around, and quickly figured out how to defeat the system.

Next up: penile scan.

Labels: random nonsense, tech

If you haven't heard yet, you're not supposed to go to work, shop or go to school on September 11th, so that the government can know how uncool everyone thinks everything is right now. Plus, that means no one will buy gas, and we'll all be able to get it for 99 cents a gallon again. Internet forever!

Labels: politics, random nonsense

Labels: random nonsense

I had a great time with my dad and brothers at Tuesday night's Royals game.

The Royals ended up winning, and we had a great view.




Wait a minute. Zoom in. Is that Family Ties' Michael Gross serving Bud Light?

Labels: random nonsense

While perusing Careerbuilder today, I stumbled upon this interesting position.



Ten bucks an hour? Do you realize how many hours of nakedness you'd have to pull off to make a living?

Poor nudists. Always taken advantage of.

Labels: random nonsense

The Delorean might make a comeback. Now Christopher Lloyd can pimp something other than DirecTV. Every one of those DirecTV commercials depresses me in a profound way.

Labels: advertising, random nonsense

A blog post from Tangerine Toad mentioned the old "Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?" DOS failure message, and reminded me of this classic computer problem.

From Wikipedia:

The message would prompt the user to hit "A" to abort the operation, "R" to try reading the data again, or "F" to attempt to proceed without the necessary data...The Ignore option would just hand some 'default' data back to the application that requested the operation, and the user would have to hope that this 'default' data would not interfere with the operation of the program.

Most users, including myself, rarely had luck with any of the methods. But looking back, I see a bit of a personality test.

Which option did you choose?

Abort: You likely pressed "A" faster than any of the non-Abort DOS users pressed their respective keys. You freak out easily. What were you thinking trying to execute that command in the first place? Time to spend a couple weeks away from the computer. This might be a good thing. The last time your daughter got dysentery in Oregon Trail, despair drove you to plunge your wagon through an impassable river.



Retry: You're a blind optimist. Luckily, your family came to expect long absences, as you endlessly pecked away at the "R" key. One day, a loved one bursts into the room: Windows 3.0 to the rescue. Unfortunately, you refuse to fail, continuing your never-ending stay in Dos purgatory.

Ignore: Your life is in shambles. You ignore anything negative in your day-to-day life. "Everything's cool" is your mantra. If only your computer obeyed commands like your Geo Metro. It's supposed to smoke like that. Now if they could just route the "I" button to a gas pedal...

Fail: You're a Microsoft user for life.

Labels: random nonsense